When Darkness Falls

I am a prisoner of my own pessimistic thoughts.  No light can penetrate, no optimism can affect my views.  No amount of logic can alter what I feel or know to be true.  Words of encouragement are interpreted as white noise falling on deaf ears  My views are felt by many, understood by few.  Why try to change that which you cannot possibly begin to understand?  Do you honestly believe you hold some sort of wisdom that I do not?  I am a pessimist, this I know, of this, I am aware.  I exist this way for a reason and it is my experiences that have molded me into the person you see standing before you.  Dark, distant, wary and always analyzing.  In my life, I have found that naivety feeds optimism.  What is there to be pessimistic about when all you've known is success?  How can the world hold doom when all you see is the light?

I do not hate optimism, quite the contrary.  I am intrigued by it.  Intrigued because it is something that I seem to lack and be incapable of doing despite how hard I may try.  I am fully aware of positive outcomes and the likelihood of it occurring, however, it's just easier to see and accept the negative for it is the negative that usually occurs for me.  This way, should a positive outcome result, it comes as a pleasant surprise, uplifting in a way, whilst when expecting the doom, it arrives much like an anticipated and unwelcome enemy at your door; you saw it coming all along.

"Esperanza"... a word I have tattooed on my left wrist and I sometimes wonder why.  Its purpose was to serve as a reminder to have "hope" in a world that seems void of it.  To not give up even when things are looking down.  At my worst, I'll look at it and try to hold on to that faint promise of optimism it seems to imply it will give me.  Never lasts long.  In fact, more often than not, when I look at it, I want to scratch it off my wrist, feeling this word, now permanently inked into my flesh. has failed its intended purpose.  So what hope is there then, for a gloom and doom thinker like myself?  Perhaps that is my burden to carry; I am forever destined to live a life in darkness, isolated from the smiles and laughs that come so naturally to most.

The Invisible Person

     I reach out and it's as if my voice is not heard.  I stand before you crying for help yet you turn and walk away.  My pain is obvious yet you seem blind to it.  Perhaps it is only I who can hear my voice screaming in agony and it is the world who hears but a whisper come from my lips.  A gentle sob carried by the wind.  I seek not sympathy nor pity, simply an ear to which my sorrows can be removed from my body, making them no longer mine.  But also an ear which understands my pain and is willing to listen without offering hollow words of advice or encouragement. 

     What do you see when you look at me?  A "genuine" smile or the truth; that the smile is in fact a superficial facade put up to hide my real suffering.  But even this protective wall is crumbling, the agony showing behind the phony grin.  Surely if I can see it when I look in the mirror, it should be apparent to those who look at me? 
    
     You laugh at me, chuckle at my comments as if what I have just said is funny when it was meant to be taken seriously.  You dismiss my words as mindless drivel, the exhaustive ramblings of a woman who knows not what she speaks, perhaps overreacting as though others somehow know her better than herself. 
   
      I sometimes wonder if my scream will only become apparent once I'm gone.  If all of the past revelations will come together in a moment of grand epiphany.  If suddenly my voice will be heard and understood for the warning signal it was meant to be.  If the seriousness of the situation will finally be deduced as someone who was crying for help all along only nobody was able to correctly interpret what was being said.  The pain of living with this question is almost unbearable.  Only one possible outcome hurts more than this: What if even in death, the world remained oblivious?

Empty Messages

"Stay strong."  Two words that when put one behind the other have no meaning.  Sort of like "I'm sorry", another phrase that is so overused that it no longer carries any real sentiment, just a set of words spoken out of habit in an empty attempt to comfort the listener.  The words become vestigial over time, degenerating to the point where the original meaning is lost.  What is it even supposed to mean?  "Stay strong."  As if a suitable alternative is available other than its opposite, "give up."  The irony of course is that when this phrase is spoken, it is when the receiver is at a low point in their life, perhaps even suicidal; strength is what is lacking so the advice comes across as condescending.  It is the missing component to their well being so how is it possible to remain in a state that you are not currently in?  It would seem that the overuse of such phrases which are meant to make us feel better and imply a brighter future may be around the corner actually make little to no sense at all.  Words that once brought hope and comfort now bring resentment and confusion when one sits down to think about what the words really mean.

Advice is something that is meant to make you feel better however these days so much of it sounds like recycled impersonal nonsense that not even the most desperate of people can take seriously.  What ever happened to listening, what ever happened to actually giving a damn about someone other than yourself?  What ever happened to giving advice to suit the individual instead of advice that comes out in short two to four word phrases which fail to accomplish anything other than a feeling of complete isolation?  No one is ever taken seriously until they're gone.  Then that over recycled advice you gave turns into the most putrid few words to have ever come out of your mouth.