As I write these words, perhaps the deepest irony would be that, unlike the title suggests, I am not actually contemplating suicide. In fact, I am contemplating the exact opposite: life. All that has been (past), and that is (present) and all that might be (future). Perhaps the most meaningless of these three is the past, for I can no longer change it and thus it deserves no further thought. For when has regret ever brought anyone success or sanity?
The future holds within it a great sense of mystery, fear and frustration. Obsessing over what I do now and how it may affect me in the long run has become somewhat of a preoccupation, grasping me in such a way that I can no longer function in the present. And without warning (or invitation) the past creeps back in, reminding me of my failures and short comings and an individual. A lurking remnant, its only purpose these days is to inflict paranoia in me, causing anxiety with every decision I make in regards to my future. As if to say, "It didn't work then, it's not going to work now."
Yet, of all these, it's the present I have the most difficulty with. Dealing with the 'now', taking things as they are, expecting nothing more and nothing less. Perhaps it has something to do with the pace; it's too idle for my liking. I know they've always said progress was slow but I don't think I ever realized how snail-like it really is.
I live my life regretting many things in my past, though not all things, dreading my future and forgetting the present. And it may be for these reasons that the title came to mind. I will admit, I have contemplated suicide on more than one occasion. But I think for now, I will try to contemplate the present, for it is called this because it is a gift.
The now is not idle. The now is in constant motion and you give it the pace you choose. What may seem to be idle are the results: achievements and/or failures, which rest calm in the future, waiting for us at some point.
ReplyDeleteThe past is nothing to do in our lives no more. Fears will be there forever; fossilized memories in our minds. The key of forgetting the negative past lies on ignoring it, pretending it never happened, like a bad nightmare. If you wish to search even further and open that little door in the back of your mind, is up to you. But beware of it, and avoid open it, for the results would be like those of Pandora's urn and will hunt your present and claim your future forever.
Is the future, mysterious like you said, the one that holds our success and/or failures. For that reason, there's no time to waste thinking too much about the future, either. The future comes; you just make sure you are ready for it. Fight for a good future and prepare yourself in the present with all the tools you could grab, for when it comes, it gives you no surprises and you could be prepared to stab it on the heart if it comes in the shape of a failure and make of it a total success.
Concentrate on building a worthy present, for the future is nigh.
When I said "idle", I meant the way it feels, not the reality of it as obviously the idle is not possible. Even though we may not physically be moving, time is and will always pass. I do not feel that, as you say, "the negative past lies on ignoring it, pretending it never happened", as we must acknowledge the past on some level in order to learn from it and not repeat past mistakes. Acting as though it never happened or ignoring it has an end result of not growing from it. We must dissect it, in a way, in order to fully understand where it is that we went wrong in order to not relive the experience in the future.
ReplyDeleteI believe that there is some need in thinking about the future, otherwise the present becomes obsolete. It is like Malcolm X said, "Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today." We all have goals, and we must take the proper steps into reaching that goal, you cannot just wait for the future to come and expect things to fall into place because that is how you wish them to be. Surprises will happen, that is a guarantee in life, and you may not always be prepared for them but you may have attained skills to work through them.
For me, the present is only worth building if the future holds satisfaction and enlightenment.